Emotions are a tricky thing… like most things in this world, they were intended by God to enhance life, but in a fallen world with an active enemy, these emotions can often hurt us or those around us. Any emotion that is out of control can be bad, but I want to talk about a specific and most volatile emotion—anger.

There’s a multitude of situations that can trigger an angry response from within us. Maybe it’s a bunch of small things stacking up that eventually send us toppling over. Or maybe it’s one specific pain point you have—maybe even one specific person who pokes at that pain point. And it doesn’t take much for him/her to bring you from a pleasant place to a deep frustration that you can’t easily crawl out of. I’ll also add that not all anger is bad anger; there is righteous anger. This type of anger can inspire action and change, even unite people for common good. But most of us aren’t flipping tables in a temple out of righteous anger. I’m talking about human anger; the type that comes from our own pride, entitlement, selfishness… whatever form of depravity it may be from. James 1:19-20 tells us:

”Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.”

When anger begins to build up in our daily lives in our homes and closest relationships, we spare ourselves and our loved ones when we control our responses and when we identify the root of our anger. And to go one step further, we bless everyone around us when our response to that anger is to model a biblical response.

Self-control in our immediate response

As we read in the above verse, it tells us to be “slow to get angry….” As you and I both know, anger isn’t always slow to hit! But our response to that anger can be slowed. One of my favorite pieces of advice my husband and I learned in pre-marital counseling is acknowledging when you are not in the right headspace to have a confrontational conversation. They went as far as to say don’t even have these hard conversations while you are hungry—wait till you have a full stomach and you don’t have to worry about one or both parties feeling hangry during an already difficult conversation. Don’t start talking in the heat of your emotions—you likely won’t be able to effectively communicate what the issue is, because you are quite literally “blind with rage.” The emotion can be so overpowering at times that we can’t think clearly, we can’t see another person’s perspective, and we end up adding to the damage instead of moving towards resolution.

As far as an immediate response, take a deep breath, and take a step away if you have the opportunity. This doesn’t mean don’t address it, but it’s important to address it in a constructive way rather than adding fuel to the fire. Friction and disagreements, like anger, can be used to sharpen each other. But we have to respond in wisdom and truth—God’s truth—for it to be constructive rather than destructive.

Reflect on why you are angry and determine how you should respond

In that time you’ve taken a step away, it’s time to reflect, and figure out what’s really making you angry. Anger often times creeps up when there’s a large quantity or higher quality of an “issue” for lack of a better word.

Anger or frustration from being overwhelmed

In some cases, maybe responsibilities or problems are stacking up. Maybe it only took one additional problem to be the straw that broke the camels back. You may be overwhelmed, overstimulated, and just need a breather. If you are running into this regularly, genuinely and prayerfully look for a way to get help or modify your situation so that you can have relief. Maybe this looks like asking a family member or friend to watch your kids for an hour or two a week. Or maybe this means letting go of the need to have a spotless house or extravagant meal every night. Or maybe this means waking up earlier to have quiet time and/or get a workout in… Prayerfully seek out what will fill your cup so that can continue to pour into your loved ones. 

If it’s the mundane task that you are having frustration with, find ways to make it more enjoyable like listening to music, listening to an audio book, watching a show or YouTube video, or talking on the phone with friends. There’s nothing like good worship music or enjoying content or conversation from a godly, motivated individual to help spur you on. It’s amazing how these simple changes will change frustration to joy, and it’s even more amazing how contagious that joy is as you share it with those around you. After all… “the joy of the Lord is your strength!” (Nehemiah 8:10)

A particularly damaging person or issue

Odds are when reading the comment about a specific pain point with a specific person, someone or something came to mind. There is no blanket solution to deal with someone who is particularly toxic to you. And if you are dealing with anger because of this person, make sure that anger is not from lack of forgiveness on your end. Forgiveness is ongoing—sometimes day by day. But don’t think that forgiveness means you need to be actively involved with this person, or even involved at all. If this person is an immediate danger to the emotional, spiritual, or even physical wellbeing of your family, then it may be time you and/or your spouse decide to step away from this individual. But if you decide to do this, it is often worth explaining to this person why you are stepping away. You never know if you sharing truth about a destructive behavior may be the wake up call needed to make a change.

When an authority figure is causing anger

At some point or another, everyone experiences frustration with authority whether it is a parent, boss, teacher, or if you are a wife, even your husband (Ephesians 5: 22-23). There’s much more to say about disagreements within marriage, but all of these fall into the category of an authority under our ultimate authority—our Heavenly Father. We must remember God has chosen these people at this current time to be our authority. If this person is not asking us to do something contradictory to God, we should trust and serve them as though we are serving God. (1 Peter 2: 18 – 1 Peter 3: 2). This submission to them, but most importantly to God, can allow them to be won without our words but with our example as we model a life for Christ. There may be situations where you are unable to do what they are requesting, or you have feelings rooted in God’s truth that you should say something. Respectfully and humbly offer your feedback to this person so that they do not react to you, but to God. 

When a close friend or family member has done wrong

In other situations, maybe you are bothered by a recurring behavior or a hurtful act by another person. Prayerfully determine if you should try sharing the truth about how this persons actions are impacting you. Understand that this person’s intent is likely not to hurt you. He or she may never realize their actions are hurtful without you addressing it. On the flip side, he or she may not realize it even with you addressing it. Recognize that you cannot convict another person for their actions—that is something only the Holy Spirit can do.  Ask God for wisdom in whether or not to confront this person, and if you determine that is the course of action you should take, do it with love and grace. But make sure your decision and feelings are rooted in God’s truth! “As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.” (Proverbs 27:17) 

The Bottom Line

Whatever the root of your anger is, whether it be frustration due to overwhelm, or specific pain points/specific people in your life, actively seeking God’s wisdom in how to cope with it will offer relief. Also recognize that God chose you for your current circumstance—and as you seek Him, he will direct you and use you to impact those around you. As followers of Christ, our testimonies are strongest when we forgive the unforgivable, spread joy amongst the joyless, and choose to model Christ in the times when it is the most difficult. 

“You are the light of the world—like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father.” Matthew‬ ‭5‬:‭14‬-‭16‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Praying that you will shine brightly, even in the moments it is most difficult!

Haley